http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20090712/sc_livescience/swearingmakespainmoretolerable

I always found it amusing when people would comment on my increased swearing as I became more frustrated with my 52 project last term. I have no issues with people shouting explicitives to relieve their frustration, as long as the words aren't directed at anyone in particular.

I went to some Christian middle school. Sometime around 3rd grade, people started using the "middle finger." I don't even remember when I found it what it actually meant. x_x But, just picture a bunch of 3rd graders pointing their middle fingers at the ground (devil?), not knowing exactly what on earth they were doing. Oh dear. Why on earth did I suddenly remember that?

I'm agnostic, so meh. I'm not sure what attending Methodist/Catholic schools for the first half of my life really helped to accomplish. Just be true to yourself, and do what you think is right. Seriously, what is wrong with the world? @_@ Maybe I was just being ignorant, but why have all of the news articles been so depressing lately? They make me cry inside. TT.TT

I feel like making a long entry. I think I always do something like this after I marathon some series. This time, it was Kare Kano. I wish my life could be more like some cutesy shoujo/josei manga. T.T Why do you feel suddenly "enlightened" about yourself from reading a manga? x_x It's so pathetic, no? Haha.

I seem particularly attached to series like Kare Kano and Nodame (even though they're not the most related series you could come across, reading Kare Kano reminded me so much of Nodame~ even more than of Hana Yori Dango and Hana Kimi :o).

But goodness!

Reading it made me realize that... even though I'm about to enter my first year of college, I still feel like I just started my first year of high school. I haven't really grown up. Why do all of these manga characters feel like they're so much older than me? I mean, that's what I thought when I was reading manga in junior high. 4 years have passed, and I'm still at this stage. x_x

It's like... Some of the older kids in junior high used to make fun of me for my last name. Nobody told me why. They'd just laugh and make up some lame excuse. I found out right before entering high school. But, back then, although I guess I was "innocent," I felt like I belonged with everyone else. I had friends. Or I thought I did. I really don't understand how quickly I lost touch with everyone (so it was great to see a few people from junior high at AX this year) when high school came along. I don't know... I felt comfortable around those people.

Then came high school. It kind of felt like I just closed myself off to everyone. I mean, I really tried hard to fit in. I was sort of bullied freshman year. Thank goodness that nasty girl got kicked out of school. Seriously. T.T It was slightly better in sophomore year. I had made friends. I wasn't too close to people. When robotics came along, I thought that I finally had found the best high school friends ever. Hah. That was pretty gosh darn wrong. In the end, I really didn't gain much from high school. I think I kind of lost myself and became so engrossed in studying and work... I'm such a workaholic. I've always been, but I mean... when everyone else was out partying, I was just kind of stuck... working... Not that I particularly wanted to. Damn. I wasted the 4 years I spent in high school.

I kind of regret choosing to try? to get closer to a select group of friends. They never really accepted me. Or, they did, but, it felt kind of shallow, you know? I know who my high school friends in high school were. They still occasionally respond to my FB wall posts, talk to me on AIM, or just message me/post on my wall on FB. Others, well, I don't think I've talked to them since graduation. -_- Or if I have, that was just by some coincidental meeting.

I'm so grateful to the friends that say the occasional "what's up?", "let's hang out!" to me on AIM/FB (funny how social networking sites have become the best means for people to stay in contact). Even if I don't always respond! (I'm so sorry!). So grateful to the friends that call me or text me to give me their new cell phone #'s because they still want to remain in contact~ or come and drop off a small Christmas present. Heck, one of my friends even sent me a Cal shirt last summer. :D

That aside, I had parties. I loved inviting people. I found it disgusting when people decided not to come last minute because they suddenly made plans to hang out with other people... or when people invited (or even pushed for me to invite) other people... or when people would only attend when x person attended... That was rude, yo!

But then, I went to maybe 3? 4? parties in high school? Hahahahaha. I felt so excluded. You have no idea.

I hated seeing those Facebook photos that everyone posted. Like, why wasn't I invited? I thought I was his/her friend! T_T

Damn. Why am I getting so emo over this? It's no big deal.

I guess life kind of stopped in high school. I really wish I enjoyed being a child more. T_T I feel like I wasted the last 4 years of my life. Sure, I thought my high school teachers could be like family~ but the atmosphere wasn't right. Not right for studying, not right for anything... really?

I think that's the problem with the American education system, and America as a whole. There's just not enough breadth. There's not enough culture, tradition? People live too far away from each other. You lose that whole family-like, supportive atmosphere that I think kids in other countries are able to enjoy. Even if everything's overly exaggerated in manga/drama/anime or whatever... you still get a taste of what we're missing over here. Culture festivals, class trips... I think that's what it means to bond! That's what's really needed. T_T Not some weaksauce trip to the mall. What a poor excuse to hang out. I mean, at least elsewhere, you're hanging out while also immersing yourself in culture and tradition? You're learning something! It's so exciting and new. You learn to work with people... It just feels so much more diverse; far less frustrating. Communities feel like they're much closer.

Student council roles seem to be much more important. You know? That's what I imagine high school life being. You study, but you're also able to really enjoy being around people. That's why I kind of feel like my first year in college seemed more like the ideal high school life. Sure, I wanted to slap myself silly over my 52 project. I worked more than I have ever worked in my entire life. But whenever I had those opportunities to hang out with people, they were right around the corner, cooking together, getting ready to work on a set together, etc. That's what I cal real friendship bonding! T.T Exploring the tunnels--tradition? :3 Even though you're not really supposed to... Knowing that people will IM you and ask you to go out to eat with them...

Gosh, I'm really happy I have the friends I currently have. Maybe this is my high school dream.

Well, so maybe not all of my friendships turned out to be that smooth, even in college, but I guess that comes with life.

I really wish every day could be like some funky happy J-drama/manga. Seriously. Wishful/childish thinking to the point that it's ridiculous, I know, but that's why I like going to Disneyland and going to AX so often. I know life in Japan is really stressful. That's what Mari told me when I talked with her at AX. Well, you could tell that it was stressful, but like... you still had that kind of ray of hope? So many people with such creative imaginations! T.T

Seriously, Los Angeles is so boring. There's just nothing going on. What crazy dreams?

;_;

I'm being incoherent again, aren't I?

I hate that I lost my junior high entries. I think I wrote about some precious moments in them. T_T Friends who worked out problems~ friends who still care. <3

Yes, that's what I've been thinking about since I read Kare Kano. :o That, and, well *blush* relationships? I've liked several guys in the past. I still can't really imagine what that special someone will eventually be like. I guess I'll be artificial outright and sav that I hope he's pretty! <3 hahaha *fangirl side kicking in* Someone with long fingers maybe :o (pretty asian pianists/violinist? :o) xD I dunno~ someone with a lot of ambition, who's also very innovative and imaginative. Someone who's not afraid of being apart for some time~ who likes to have his own space and will respect that I like to have my own~ who will hold onto me, but who is also willing to let me have my freedom~ strong? shiny? xD

I dunno. someone who really understands me. I think that's been the biggest problem. Though, I am surprised at the few friends I have that really do seem to understand me. Maybe it's just because they're the people I instinctively go to when I'm upset. :o Haha. I'm sorry if you're irritated at my immaturity. T_T

Yep. I always say I wish I have that special person to rant and cry to... but it's just really hard to cry to someone you really like. It's frustrating. I feel like I want some other way out.

I don't know.

I hope this isn't some deep, personal entry that is better off F-locked. I'm even kind of curious if any of my FB friends will read this. Haha. Well, if you do end up reading this entry, then you're probably one of my uber awesome friends that I really do love and cherish! <3

I'm just a silly little girl who hasn't really grown up since middle school. *sigh*

And Kare Kano? Well, I actually didn't cry much while reading this. I usually cry a lot, but I thought it was a great story. Maybe I have changed in the way I react to reading things. ^^; Nah. The story's complete. It's practically perfect. It wasn't too over the top. Okay, so the epilogue was weak... but it felt kind of real. I put off reading it for probably around 5 years. I'm glad I did read it though! I still think that if there ever is a Kare Kano drama, Ueno Juri and Tamaki Hiroshi would be perfect. :3

So in the end, I still enjoy talking with some of my friends about her err... interest in German movies. We call them porn, when they're really not. (No really, I'm still just your innocent little girl!). Eh, explicit scenes that serve artistic purpose don't really bug me. We watched some great movies. I loved cracking up over my friend's suggested American translation of the King and the Clown (ohh Lee Junki <3)-- The King and His Male Concubine~

Going out to the seafood restaurant with everything~ Staying out at like 3 AM up in the quiet box until my cold got worse... x_x

High school life, but in college. :3

And seeing so many people from junior high/high school/college at AX. :o Amazinggg! Of course, meeting new people at AX, and talking to all of my online friends. :3

Those are the memories.

I think I had a breakdown today. Another assignment, as trivial as it is. I'm not going to the barbeque. I might change my mind and go to the awards.

I won my first ever scholarship today. I feel happy. It's not like $1,500 is a lot, but there is actually such a thing as a scholarship "awarded solely on the basis of academic merit!" I wasted all that time writing all of those essays for scholarships that accounted for financial need. =.= My friends are attending a scholarship reception tonight. Most people win that one. But of course, you fill out that little section about income and assets, and bye-bye scholarship. =.= $2,500 from the local charity organization that I ironically volunteered for. Ahaha. Speaking of which, I guess the people felt as if I deserved something for volunteering, so they gave me an envelope after the event. There was a check for $50. I didn't feel like returning it, because it was the first check I had ever received for working... but I never cashed it in, because it was volunteer work. I think I lost it.

Man.

Now that I think about it, why do I put up with all of the things I've put up with? I'm volunteering to help people, and all I get is complaints half the time (not for them, but for other organizations...)

It's annoying. =.=

If you don't appreciate my taking time to do something for you, then tell me and I'll quit. Simple as that.

I wonder who Robert C. Byrd is. At least the $1,500 is renewable.